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I Used To Be Stubborn Now I'm just Pertinacious

A quick search of the word "stubborn" took me down a rabbit hole where I found more than a few mules stuck in the narrow passages of their own making: arse to the wind, hee-hawing for all they were worth, veritably stuck in the mud long after help had been and gone. They would still be stuck there for probably much longer than they needed to be because of one common problem: They simply would not be gracious enough to take help or advice from another person.

Any parent of a strong-willed child will tell you it's a constant challenge and very exhausting constantly "encouraging" them to do almost anything that they themselves haven't decided they want to do. They do not take orders from anyone. School reports are filled with comments like: "Could do better if he/she were more co-operative" or "His/her wilful attitude is a challenge in the classroom." With respect to the gender non-specific generation, I had a son who constantly challenged boundaries. Later in life he would go on to channel these stubborn qualities in more positive directions which led to his leadership qualities being a great asset in various communities over time, both personally and professionally but it took the proverbial "village" to get him to that point. Raising a stubborn or wilful or strong-willed child does make parenting much more challenging and parents of compliant, non-contrary; non-pertinacious children, those wonderfully "easy" "tow-the-line" kids honestly do not have a cooking clue! 

Manfred Kets de Vries, Clinical Professor of Leadership Development and Organisational change at INSEAD, one of the world's largest business schools, has a lot to say about the positive and negative sides of stubbornness in his paper which I highly recommend: The Fine Line between Stubbornness and Stupidity
https://qrius.com/the-fine-line-between-stubbornness-and-stupidity/

Not being a scholar on the subject, but having dealt with more than a few stubborn people in my life, I thought it might be interesting to break down what the effects the behaviour of the stubborn creatures among us have on the world around them as they seek to defend to the death their stubbornness as being strength and determination etcetera etcetera as the King of Siam would have said. There is currently a lot of popular culture supporting their often frustrating validation of their own unwillingness to be less recalcitrant; less unaccommodating; less intractable; less stiff-necked or unyielding. These are all fairly common synonymous of stubbornness and can be found in all the most commonly used thesaurasusssesess 

While I am not choosing not to focus on all the positive mumbo-jumbo because I'm sure there's lots of it about as I do understand that being stubborn can be a HUGE asset in life but, and here's the big BUTT: Stubborn people generally (not always but generally) forget that they are living in a world WITH OTHER PEOPLE. The planet has not simply been created and sustained for their benefit alone with the rest of mankind being placed here simply to serve them and to make way for their often oversized egos. 

I always find it interesting that insensitive people point fingers at sensitive people reminding them over and over how OVER sensitive they are. In the same way, stubborn people consistently force their will upon the world around them. They effectively attempt to bend the world around them until it is shaped to their will while the rest of the village accommodates; co-operates; placates; compromises; adapts and gives in time and time again for the sake of peace in the village until everyone else living in the village finds themselves so compromised that they barely recognise themselves at all while the perversely persistent; pertinacious; tenacious; ambitious of the village are lauded as heroes. 

Stubbornness, if left unchecked can potentially have some fairly serious implications for the person that it belongs to as well as to those around them. Firstly, it will in time leave one feeling alienated because in effect, it cause other people to cut themselves off from the stubborn person who constantly wants to be in charge; constantly wants things to go their way; constantly has a better way of doing things even when someone else has a few valid suggestions. Yes, others adapt how they work with the stubborn person but invariably they are left feeling like doormats. I wonder whether they ever stop to think, "Am I treating this person like a doormat. How would I feel if they treated me like that?" I doubt it. 

The word narcissist is bandied about so much these days that I'm quite sure we've all wondered from time to time whether we all might be narcissists! But if one is priding oneself on alway winning that war; on always getting ones own way; on always taking the lead in a situation; on always being the one who knows everything; on always winning the board game and throwing ones toys out of the cot if one didn't come first, maybe one should be thinking about whether it's not just a case of out of control stubbornness. 

Great for you if you're the one achieving and out in front of the pack but how often do you look back at the collateral damage in your wake? And what happens when someone gets out ahead of you? 

I love this quote by Professor de Vries: "One pathway to greatness is the ability to change one’s mind when proven wrong"

" … At times, it is only by being stubborn that we can bring a great idea to life. Stubbornness makes us persevere. It helps us stand our ground when everyone else is trying to tell us that we are wrong. Used with discernment, stubbornness can be a strong leadership quality and a key determinant of success.

Because stubborn people know what they want, they tend to be more decisive. They have greater focus and they get things done. Qualities like vision, action orientation, grit, resilience and persistence are derivatives of stubbornness. We can even argue that perseverance is stubbornness with a purpose." Manfred Kets de Vries

There is no doubt that correctly channeled, stubbornness can be shaped to serve humanity, to achieve great things which build up rather than break down individuals; communities and the world at large, but when left to it's own devices, stubbornness can be truly destructive, divisive and a very lonely place for an individual to be. Maybe like nuclear energy, it needs to be treated with great wisdom and extreme sensitivity although I'm not sure that it can exist in that form within one person, but maybe I am wrong and maybe it can. Oh actually, I think it can because I have known some stubborn people who were at the same time kind and considerate and had enough courage to put their own desires on hold while giving another the chance to shine and in so doing, displayed great strength.

Stubborn people may seem invincible but there is a difference between strength and stubbornness and there is a very fine line between stubbornness and stupidity

"Without reflection, stubbornness is nothing more than plain stupidity." 


Credit: Manfred Kets de Vries



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